Small Town News
Humor from my friend David Dunn
MUSINGS:
When I get tired of the recycled headlines of [insert your favorite“News” & Gossip Network here] and don't wanna hear about anybody named Britney, Paris, or O.J. or any politicians' close encounters of the restroom kind, I like to turn to random low-circulation local papers from places I've never been. You know, something a bit different, yet still exercising my God-given inalienable right to life, liberty, andthe pursuit of sticking my nose into other people's business.
Sometimes the headlines themselves are enough to raise an eyebrow, like “Grooms and Wilson Unite in Marriage” (from the Yazoo Herald.) Grooms? What kind of sect has invaded rural Mississippi? If it were the BoxElder Journal in Brigham City announcing, “Warren Jeffs and Brides to Visit for Summer Camp/Honeymoon Getaway” I'd be way less surprised. OK, never mind ...turns out, the Yazoo bride's maiden name is “Grooms.”
Well, I reckon they could really stir things up by rewriting thatheadline as “Local Man Weds Grooms.”
It's possible that they do have sects in the City; they certainly seemto have religion out the Yazoo. Of the 40 or so announcements in theYazoo City publication's “Community Bulletin” (3724 subscribers) I think I counted announcements from 24 different churches. Most of the rest appeared to involve high school reunions and mental health support groups. (I don't know why, but that has some kind of logical ring to it.)
Just down the road, the Wayne County news proclaimed, “School Boards [sic] enacts three new policies.” I “sense” that none of those policies included grammar tutoring programs. Did it occur to the writer that when the editor said to switch to the singular, he wasn't talking about a cell phone? Now it turns out that this particular school district is getting big bucks from oil royalties and lease money on some land owned by the district, last month's alone being over $700K, but they're not allowed to spend it (in spite of the obvious need.) Quoting the article,“The interest from the oil-gas revenue can be utilized by school officials, but state law prohibits the expenditure of the principle.” Iguess I shouldn't complain, just on a matter of principal. After all, you graduated ... and you got your own by-line.
The Choctaw Plaindealer featured a Lifestyle story of a woman from MSU trying to educate the local Rotary Club on how to eat healthy by measuring serving sizes. Well, that would be the “provisional” Rotary Club ... they can't get their charter until they can get 20 people to pay their dues. They meet each week at “Pap's Place.” Uh-huh. Measure it. Sure. Hey, Paps, I'll have that low-fat six ounce chicken-fried steak, please. She reminded them that a can of Coca Cola has 12 teaspoons of sugar. Yeah, whatever you say, Sugar, and while you're up could you get me a refill of sweet tea? As an example of the food pyramid's recommendation of eating 6 ounces of grains every day, she stated that one ounce of grains is one slice of bread, one cup of cereal or half a cup of cooked rice. So that makes 6 ounces of grains, what? A heap of grits and a six pack of Busch Light? I feel healthier already.
This is the South, lady. We don't have “serving sizes,” we have “Helpings.”
You're all invited back again to this locality to have a “single serving” of our hospitality.
That just ain't right.
MUSINGS:
When I get tired of the recycled headlines of [insert your favorite“News” & Gossip Network here] and don't wanna hear about anybody named Britney, Paris, or O.J. or any politicians' close encounters of the restroom kind, I like to turn to random low-circulation local papers from places I've never been. You know, something a bit different, yet still exercising my God-given inalienable right to life, liberty, andthe pursuit of sticking my nose into other people's business.
Sometimes the headlines themselves are enough to raise an eyebrow, like “Grooms and Wilson Unite in Marriage” (from the Yazoo Herald.) Grooms? What kind of sect has invaded rural Mississippi? If it were the BoxElder Journal in Brigham City announcing, “Warren Jeffs and Brides to Visit for Summer Camp/Honeymoon Getaway” I'd be way less surprised. OK, never mind ...turns out, the Yazoo bride's maiden name is “Grooms.”
Well, I reckon they could really stir things up by rewriting thatheadline as “Local Man Weds Grooms.”
It's possible that they do have sects in the City; they certainly seemto have religion out the Yazoo. Of the 40 or so announcements in theYazoo City publication's “Community Bulletin” (3724 subscribers) I think I counted announcements from 24 different churches. Most of the rest appeared to involve high school reunions and mental health support groups. (I don't know why, but that has some kind of logical ring to it.)
Just down the road, the Wayne County news proclaimed, “School Boards [sic] enacts three new policies.” I “sense” that none of those policies included grammar tutoring programs. Did it occur to the writer that when the editor said to switch to the singular, he wasn't talking about a cell phone? Now it turns out that this particular school district is getting big bucks from oil royalties and lease money on some land owned by the district, last month's alone being over $700K, but they're not allowed to spend it (in spite of the obvious need.) Quoting the article,“The interest from the oil-gas revenue can be utilized by school officials, but state law prohibits the expenditure of the principle.” Iguess I shouldn't complain, just on a matter of principal. After all, you graduated ... and you got your own by-line.
The Choctaw Plaindealer featured a Lifestyle story of a woman from MSU trying to educate the local Rotary Club on how to eat healthy by measuring serving sizes. Well, that would be the “provisional” Rotary Club ... they can't get their charter until they can get 20 people to pay their dues. They meet each week at “Pap's Place.” Uh-huh. Measure it. Sure. Hey, Paps, I'll have that low-fat six ounce chicken-fried steak, please. She reminded them that a can of Coca Cola has 12 teaspoons of sugar. Yeah, whatever you say, Sugar, and while you're up could you get me a refill of sweet tea? As an example of the food pyramid's recommendation of eating 6 ounces of grains every day, she stated that one ounce of grains is one slice of bread, one cup of cereal or half a cup of cooked rice. So that makes 6 ounces of grains, what? A heap of grits and a six pack of Busch Light? I feel healthier already.
This is the South, lady. We don't have “serving sizes,” we have “Helpings.”
You're all invited back again to this locality to have a “single serving” of our hospitality.
That just ain't right.
posted by Billy Eli at 12:18 PM
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