Small Town News

Humor from my friend David Dunn

MUSINGS:

When I get tired of the recycled headlines of [insert your favorite“News” & Gossip Network here] and don't wanna hear about anybody named Britney, Paris, or O.J. or any politicians' close encounters of the restroom kind, I like to turn to random low-circulation local papers from places I've never been. You know, something a bit different, yet still exercising my God-given inalienable right to life, liberty, andthe pursuit of sticking my nose into other people's business.

Sometimes the headlines themselves are enough to raise an eyebrow, like “Grooms and Wilson Unite in Marriage” (from the Yazoo Herald.) Grooms? What kind of sect has invaded rural Mississippi? If it were the BoxElder Journal in Brigham City announcing, “Warren Jeffs and Brides to Visit for Summer Camp/Honeymoon Getaway” I'd be way less surprised. OK, never mind ...turns out, the Yazoo bride's maiden name is “Grooms.”

Well, I reckon they could really stir things up by rewriting thatheadline as “Local Man Weds Grooms.”

It's possible that they do have sects in the City; they certainly seemto have religion out the Yazoo. Of the 40 or so announcements in theYazoo City publication's “Community Bulletin” (3724 subscribers) I think I counted announcements from 24 different churches. Most of the rest appeared to involve high school reunions and mental health support groups. (I don't know why, but that has some kind of logical ring to it.)

Just down the road, the Wayne County news proclaimed, “School Boards [sic] enacts three new policies.” I “sense” that none of those policies included grammar tutoring programs. Did it occur to the writer that when the editor said to switch to the singular, he wasn't talking about a cell phone? Now it turns out that this particular school district is getting big bucks from oil royalties and lease money on some land owned by the district, last month's alone being over $700K, but they're not allowed to spend it (in spite of the obvious need.) Quoting the article,“The interest from the oil-gas revenue can be utilized by school officials, but state law prohibits the expenditure of the principle.” Iguess I shouldn't complain, just on a matter of principal. After all, you graduated ... and you got your own by-line.

The Choctaw Plaindealer featured a Lifestyle story of a woman from MSU trying to educate the local Rotary Club on how to eat healthy by measuring serving sizes. Well, that would be the “provisional” Rotary Club ... they can't get their charter until they can get 20 people to pay their dues. They meet each week at “Pap's Place.” Uh-huh. Measure it. Sure. Hey, Paps, I'll have that low-fat six ounce chicken-fried steak, please. She reminded them that a can of Coca Cola has 12 teaspoons of sugar. Yeah, whatever you say, Sugar, and while you're up could you get me a refill of sweet tea? As an example of the food pyramid's recommendation of eating 6 ounces of grains every day, she stated that one ounce of grains is one slice of bread, one cup of cereal or half a cup of cooked rice. So that makes 6 ounces of grains, what? A heap of grits and a six pack of Busch Light? I feel healthier already.

This is the South, lady. We don't have “serving sizes,” we have “Helpings.”

You're all invited back again to this locality to have a “single serving” of our hospitality.

That just ain't right.

South Austin is a Music Legend

Another Musing from my friend David Dunn

MUSINGS:
I see that the City of Austin Noise Ordinance is once again rearing its rowdy head, or at least a few squeaky wheels are are making a lot of noise wanting to be heard over the music.
I really don't understand people moving into a neighborhood adjacent to existing venues, then complaining about the music, other than when it's outside the limits of the existing ordinance. I agree that if a new venue pops up in an old neighborhood, sure, they should work with the residents to keep the levels and times acceptable to the standards of the folks who were already there, but don't go killing off venues thatwere already there.

Some guy quoted in Thursday's paper was complaining because his backyard butts up to Freddy's Place on South First, right next to Jovita's. Seems that some evenings he can't sit out on his deck without hearing music that sometimes goes, OMG, as late as 9 PM! I don't know how long you've been there, Mr. self-proclaimed idiot, but live music venues have supported that stretch of road for a helluva long time. You're just pissed because you didn't do your due diligence before you bought or rented the joint.

Let's see, you get to sit on your deck in the privacy of your own backyard in the heart of South Austin, drink your own beer, not pay a cover or tip the barmaid, and you have as good a seat as half the people at the venue. Did you just move from the lake, because those constantly annoying, bright, multi-hued sunsets, their reflections glimmering and dancing through the soft ripple off the water's surface were hurting your eyes? Damn the City of Lakeway for not building you a six-foot fence to protect you against it! You know, I'm pretty sure I'm allergic
to my neighbor's 30 year old cedar tree - I should complain to the city and demand that he cut it down. Or do something about those trains going by, just half a mile away. Sometimes I can't hear what letter was called during “Wheel of Fortune.”

How many millions of dollars were spent during the nearly 10 year delay of building Lakeline Mall, because of the endangered cave beetle we didn't know was there? OK, they were there first, not quite since the dawn of time but maybe not long after, and we couldn't ask the poor little blind buggers to just up and move for our convenience. To the overcrowded musician population of Austin, good venues are an endangered species, and we shouldn't be messing with venues that have been around, some since not long after our own dawn of creation, others a bit later but established nonetheless; the “Dawn of Creation” on the Live MusicCapital of the World time line of course being October 3, 1954 (Extra points if you know why without Googling it ... hint: nothing to do with Al Sharpton or some Indian actor.)

Dude. Go back to Iowa, or Alaska, or Leander, or whatever quiet boring place you want Austin to emulate. Or crawl back into your cave and play with your pet Rhadine Persephone colony, and let the musicians and their audiences pay tribute to their own favorite Beatles, in their own way.
Some of these people just make me wanna scream. At more than 85 db and after 10:30PM !

Live Music Podcast

This is my acoustic trio (me , Jim Hemphill, and Ric Furley), at BB Rover's in June 2008.

Drunken Drug Companies

MUSINGS:

I was sitting at my computer the other day, doing something incredibly important, I'm sure, with the TV out of sight but not out of earshot. I heard one of those 30 to 60-second snippets of news that stopped me in my mouse tracks.

The part I wasn't really listening to went something like: “Researchers at [some notable research facility I didn't catch] in a study funded by [some huge drug conglomerate that one day will control the universe - does it really matter which?] have announced some success in the use of a medication known as [something or ex? whatchamazine?x-y-z-adryl ?] for treatment for alcoholism. Tests indicated that [blah blah per cent blah blah placebo yeah whatever] ...” ( I told ya I wasn'treally listening.)

Then the part I heard:“Known side effects include dizzinesses, drowsiness, visual distortion,and difficulty concentrating. Some patients reported experiencing nausea.”

In other words, you feel drunk? Hey, this treatment really has a chance of working! Especially if the rest of the side effects include, “increased frequency of urination, the sudden acquisition of indisputable knowledge, a sense of indestructibility, enhanced oratory skills and vocal power, and a tendency to put lamp shades on your head,” and if the label includes, “WARNING: Potential sex partners may appear more attractive than they actually are.”

Of course, the drug companies are gonna love this if it gets approved. You know it's gonna cost more than a bottle of Jim Beam for a daily dose, or a year's supply of MD 20/20 for a month's worth of satisfying your new addiction to Drunknomorexzydyl, so don't count on it saving you any money. Instead of the liquor stores, bartenders, and waitresses getting your hard-earned money, it'll go to Pfizer or Merck, or you'll be fattening the coffers of Johnson and Johnson, instead of Bailem and Billem (DWI attorneys.)

Ah, yes. The wonders of pharmaceutical break-throughs. I'll drink to that!

-----------------------[ Please note: Alcoholism is a serious disease, and there's nothing funny about it, nor about any form of drug addiction. If you are close to someone who suffers from such, please understand that my brand of humor and disregard for political correctness are not intended to be at the expense of anyone who may be afflicted, and that I am not totally insensitive to those issues. If this attempt at poking fun at the drug companies, our TV-addicted society, and at myself came across as out of bounds in any way, please accept my sincere apologies. . . . . dave ]

David Dunn